Hot Flash!

It is certainly not news to anyone who knows me or plays with me that I am in a perpetual state of thermal challenge. When I was in my fifties it was particularly difficult to handle. For a while there (which might have been a few years) they happened every twenty minutes, practically around the clock.

Concerts were a serious problem, since hot flashes also tend to put me in a state of momentary panic. It was always a win for me when the timing worked out right, and I only flashed during a period of rest or during a break between pieces. I have learned ways to cope. I have had no choice. And, thankfully, when I flash while playing, I no longer panic.

One of the most interesting benefits of playing my new (old) fiddle is that I connect imediately and deeply to the essence of the music I am playing, particularly when it is Haydn or Bach, and particularly when I use an 18th-century bow. When playing this instrument I find myself flashing more often than usual, particularly when I am in the, pardon the expression, heat, of understanding a phrase or passage in a new way.

This new instrument provides a window into harmonic stuff in music I have played for decades that I have simply never been privy to before. So I welcome those flashes of understanding. 

I like to think of the age of flashing as the age of wisdom for women. Harmony is more exciting to me now than it was when I was younger. And I feel like I can hear more counterpoint, and can better appreciate how phrases work within the forms used in the Classical Period.

And what a relief it is to be at a point in my life where I can judge the quality of my work (as both a composer and as a player) myself. My sense of self worth is not based on how I am judged by others. It does make me very happy to play music with friends and colleagues, and it certainly makes me happy when people enjoy playing music I have written, particularly when playing it helps stimulate imagination and musical engagement.